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Friday, August 12, 2005

Oh God

I have been so sick. I caught an intestinal thing and it was foul. I am still very weak today. I knew I was making progress on the health front yesterday when I picked up my knitting for about 15 minutes.

I was going through some old documents and photos of mine this morning. I was looking for a letter of recommendation that an art teacher had written for me for entrance to art school. It usually makes me feel better when I read it because she has such strong praise for my abilities, but today I just sort of felt sad and wistful. I also ran across a postcard for the Velvet Underground Venus in Furs concert. It had a photo of them on it and I thought - Babies! They are so young! How did they acheive the intensity of that music at that age? They haven't even lived much!

So how is it that the young create such great things? I think it is because they are full - still - of life. They are arrogant and strong, they believe that they can move the world. I suppose as you age you realize that you cant do those things, you can make a difference, but the planets won't change their course for you. I found pictures of myself when I was young also. So beautiful, so thin. So unravaged by life and fibromyalgia and depression.

Many artists at my age (44 for you nosy parkers - is this a reference to Dorothy Parker? I wonder. Can one find the etymology of everyday sayings on the net? ) Give up, or change direction completely. I knit and design knitwear. I do want to paint, but I find that cannot be done in a cultural vacuum. Austin may be wonderful for music and my husband but sometimes for me - I think it's killing me.

I know this missive sounds so very depressive but I'm not really depressed. I think that when you get sick since you can't do anything else - one generally ruminates on life in general. I look back on my life thus far and see all those ridges and bumps hopes and dreams like litter on the roadside - all leading up to where I am now. Where I am now is not such a bad place - just very different than what I thought. I have many blessings to replace those dead dreams and new ones to help them on their way.

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